In Defense of Assholes

To hear people talk in this town – and you know you do – this is a town full of assholes.  I think I know most of the big assholes in town, I’ve dated some of them, partied with a bunch of them and worked with a handful of them. Apparently, I love assholes. I often find myself defending them on a case by case basis, so I’m just going to make my life easier now and defend them all in one fell dump.

 

Let’s be clear, first, about who we’re talking about, and where we live. Generally speaking, the conversation goes like this:

 

“I have a meeting with – insert name of guy who was in a leadership role in a big company that made so much money you don’t even know where to put the commas – what do you know about him?”

 

“Oh, that guy’s a total asshole.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He a) didn’t like my idea b) didn’t invest in my company c) did what I wanted to do before I got around to it d) wasn’t nice to me e) is better looking than me f) has more money than me g) all of the above.”

 

Right? Now, remember that we live in Seattle. A city that prides itself on having democratic initiatives to decide whether or not to stick with the decision that we already democratically voted on. A city in which we don’t take sides, express opinions, or take a stand on anything that might in any way hurt anyone’s feelings - or limit their access to a stream. A city in which “getting along” is prized above all else, until we all sit around stewing in steaming piles of our own equivocation. (I love it here, for the record. I really do.)

 

Although the alleged assholes that I love so much vary greatly, they do all have a striking lot in common. They are all called assholes by people for the same set of reasons, and something tells me it has more to do with us than them. So here is my standard defense of assholes.

 

Why They Don’t Like Your Idea:

2. They might not get it.  Are you pitching a clean-tech idea to a programmer? A retail idea to an engineer? Do you just speak a different language? If you’re going to take all criticism personally, get out of the startup game NOW.

 

Why They Didn’t Invest In Your Company:

1. It might suck. This is not a reflection on them. It is not even necessarily a reflection on you. If you’re going to take all criticism personally, get out of the startup game NOW.

2. You might not be ready. Most of these guys actually do know what to look for in a business plan, a market opportunity, an executive team and potential exit. This is a reflection on your readiness to bring a company to market in a way that will create a positive return for investors. This is not a bitch-slap, it is free advice, and you should take it. If you’re going to take all criticism personally, get out of the startup game NOW.

3. Because even though they have enough money in their couch cushions to get you started, they do not, in fact, owe it to you. You have to earn it – most of them did.

 

Why They Beat You To The Punch:

1. Because there is really no such thing as an original idea, and they were thinking about it too.  It’s ok, ideas are a dime a dozen.

2. Because they have the capital, experience and access to people and markets that you don't.

3. Because life isn’t fair.

 

Why They Weren’t Nice To You:

1. Because they're not your mom or dad.

2. Because we all want gold-stars all the time, but we don’t deserve them all the time.

3. Because they were more focused on their bottom line than on your personal feelings, and that’s ok, because that’s their job.

4. Because they don’t owe you anything.

5. Because you weren’t going to make them money or get them laid.

 

Why They Are Better Looking Than You:

1. Seriously?

 

- or conversely -

 

Why They Got That Girl Even Though You're Way Cooler and Hotter:

1. They have loads of money. (Same reason crazy sluts get the guy and his money when nice, smart chicks with mad skills - but more discretion - are in the cold. Cash is the dude equivalent of great T & A on a chick. But fear not, what comes around goes around, eventually, gravity and alimony get them all unless they have the heart, soul & integrity to back it up. Trust me, the real thing is better.) 

 

Why They Have More Money Than You:

1. Because they were in the right place at the right time. All of them. Timing, unlike size, is everything. Most of them know that.

2. Because they didn’t bullshit around being all mamsy-pamsy when there was work to do.

3. Because they’re really smart – and were in the right place at the right time, working their asses off.

 

Most of this does not make them assholes. It makes them direct, focused, strong, powerful, lucky and yes, successful. All of which are damned important qualities in a business leader. (Qualities that I would invest in long before I invested in a really nice guy who never ruffled any feathers.)

 

While all of that makes them great in the boardroom (and, maybe, in the bedroom,) it does make some of them more than a little rough around the edges in bedside manner. It can also make them insecure - they know they are in the limelight for one reason and one reason only - their perceived power.  It's no wonder they "lead" with that all the time.

 

While it is never okay to be downright rude and manipulative of other people, it is possible that we are all to blame – at least a little – when our general civility degrades into name calling and bullying.  We call them assholes, pigeonhole them as such, and pay attention to them only for their power - we are a reflective species, we tend to see ourselves reflected back from the eyes of those who look at us. As humans, that keeps people in a position that is defensive, isolated and dependent on proving themselves. That makes us all responsible.

 

So here’s my challenge to you. The next time you are tempted to huff up and call someone an asshole, take a time-out, a deep breath, and revisit the situation. If someone is talking to you in a way that you don’t feel you should be talked to, don’t sink to their level, raise the bar and let them rise to it.  Or leave the situation.

 

Money and power can buy you a lot of things, but they cannot buy integrity – and integrity can’t be sold. It is something you develop by repeatedly putting yourself in situations where you can take the high road. If you have nothing else, you have the ability to do that. I promise you that eventually, even the most entrenched asshole will join you on the high road, and the view is awesome.

 

If they don’t, you probably don’t want to be working with them anyway.  (Or anything else.)

 

Now get over yourself, stop calling people assholes just because they don’t see things the same way you do.  No matter who you are, be nice to each other. There is never an excuse for being mean, and it will catch up to you, eventually. Got it? Be kind! It has to start somewhere, may as well be with you.

_________

Alyssa Royse believes in the power of being nice to people, almost as much as she believes in being honest and not coddling people’s petty little insecurities. She taught her daughter about peer-pressure and bullying by watching Gossip Girl with her and helping her understand that the lying, cheating, drugged out characters all just felt lonely and unloved and would be so much better if someone would just listen to them and help them feel safe and loved for who they really were. Yes, really.